| bang bang |
[Aug 15th, 2006 - 9:23] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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music |
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the walkmen walk home |
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what a gloomy day.
on days like this, i feel like i have some fantastic connection with mother earth. whenever i feel crappy and hungover, so does she. makes me feel like some gypsy witch. who does yoga.
god, i keep thinking about my last job. i keep looking back and seeing all the signs. he wanted to fire me. i could always tell there was something about me he didn't like. he just couldn't find an excuse, because i'm a good worker. it just hurts so much, to think that. i liked jonathan. i liked (mostly) everyone there. julie is so fake and...
the older i get, the more it doesn't seem to matter what kind of person you are, as long as you are "professional." i hate hate hate the world. so full of snakes and lies and emphasis on things that shouldn't be important but are. i can't change it so i bitch instead.
my car looks like it's breathing. you trip enough times-on mushrooms or acid-and you realize that you can trip anywhere. i sit on the toilet and trip out to the floor. i stare at the wall long enough that it starts to wave at me.
i liked shrooms. despite the taste, and the sickness sometimes, it made me happy. doing drugs with friends is something that i think all people should go through. you realize who you are, who they are. why you're friends. and you also feel honest. its like being drunk, without the sloppiness.
why did he have to be so mean? WHY IS HE SO MEAN TO ME i don't understand how he can tell me so many lovely things and then spit at me. tell me he loves me, tell me he thinks of me and then
"you're not good enough"
"you've still managed to get someone's sympathy"
jerkjerkjerkjerkjerkjerkjerk
i am jill's irresponsibility.
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| i really want some sushi |
[Aug 14th, 2006 - 1:13] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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| [ |
music |
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tapes n tapes |
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no connections. false sense of privacy. i can live with that
i hate how unsure of myself i am. no matter how much i try to instill confidence, i end up convincing myself i'm a fool. like with relationships. i've only had one boyfriend. the last guy i dated was in october. and i don't even know if i should call it that. we hung out got drunk and made out.
and i'm just worried about the next time around, if it ever comes, how embarrassed i'll be to relay this to someone. i feel like i'm so fucked up and strange for having this sort of history. i guess i'm just tired of feeling like a loser. like i'm not worthy.
and to top it off, its that introspective year again. i graduate in less than a year and the only fleeting idea of what to be is tattoo artist. and even then, i have no idea what kind of life that would be. i don't want to pay for an apprenticeship because what if i don't like it?
what if i end up a temp the rest of my life because i can't make a goddamn decision? i'm stressed out because i feel like i'm getting older. 22 and i'm fucking feeling old. of course it doesn't help that my just barely 21-year-old roommate feels like she's pretty much found her future husband. well good for her.
my 24-year-old roommate thinks he's found his soul mate. well thats fabulous. i love that i'm the perpetually single friend. the friends i have now have never known me to be with someone for more than a couple weeks.
i say its pickiness. but what if its fear? what if i'm just picky because i don't want to deal with it all?
my first sexual encounter was with a black crack dealer. my second was the same night with my future boyfriend. who i thought (and still think) is my soul mate.
life is so hard and i am tired of thinking of giving up. i need therapy but its so hard to find someone i can talk to.
i need anxiety medicine. and anti-depressants. pain relievers. diet pills. i'm tired of feeling so much.
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